Shoot the Moon

Summer days are gone too soon

This is the autumn of my discontent.

You shoot the moon, and miss completely…

I’ve never experienced so much fail in such a short period of time in my life. Ever. In the last few months I’ve been completely blindsided by unforeseen fuckups, and I like to think I have things under control. But now I know. You can never have everything in your life planned out completely or have it under your thumb.

And now you’re left to face the gloom. An empty room, that once smelled sweetly…

I’m not sure I want to build a house in my neighborhood anymore much less continue living here. I'm starting to hate living here. Mentally unstable neighbor notwithstanding. Yesterday, two sk8ter boi's decided to whip out their little friends and urinate publicly in the street before skateboarding up and down the street.

The college kids attending the nearby campus are getting obnoxious and leaving trash and empty cans on lawns. To top it off, the neighborhood is now contaminated with bourgeois/bohemian pretentiousness because everyone thinks this area is just like the SanFran Castro District or NYC Greenwich Village. "Ooooh, look at me! I wear skinny jeans and don't eat meat!"

Idiots.

Now the fall is here again
You can't begin to give in
It's all over

It’s so cold and gray these days: I like it. I’d enjoy it all more if I weren’t so wounded. I’m emotionally detached from everything, and maybe I’m just trying to heal from it all. My libido has been gone for months. My pussy has been dry as the Sahara, and no familiar thoughts I used to cherish seem to be able to resuscitate my flesh. What used to comforting is now cauterizing to the touch.

When the snows come rolling through
You're rolling too with some new lover…

Goodbye, my dear. I never knew you and never will. Each animal retreats to their patch of wood, not yet ready to go in for the kill yet. Or maybe there is no need to. The intent to kill is enough.

Why we had to each be lonely…

The situation with my dissertation doesn’t look so bleak. If I want it bad enough, I can start over. I just can’t get past blatant asshole behavior; it insults my intelligence. Then on the flipside sometimes I make my own worst enemies. I fully expected to meet with my advisor today and receive nothing but hate and condescension from him, and I told him that’s what I anticipated. He didn’t know what to think, and he wondered why I thought that way. I told him what else could I expect? My research was customarily dismissed without any consideration without any just cause. I’m dealing with assholes where I live, where I cyber.

Work, funnily enough, is the only place where I can escape. At any rate, he told me if the appeal to the Provost is denied, he’ll write a letter of recommendation for any program I apply to. And he wants to get me published in a very prominent philosophy journal. He said he believed in me and has never doubted my intelligence. For all I know he was just lying through his teeth; my faith in anything has been destroyed that much. But I have to believe it. This is the one situation where I have no choice in deciding what’s bullshit. I put up, shut up, and get through this.

It was just the season.